teaching for my students, not myself

I reluctantly dragged myself to consciousness this morning feeling like I'd been on spin cycle for most of my night.  Cold sweats, headache and nausea greeted me as I woke up for the 4th time in as many hours.

I realized I had set my alarm clock to go off an hour later than I needed it to, and by sheer good fortune, my discomfort woke me up on time to head out the door and teach yoga.

Oh god.

As I stumbled through the darkness pulling clothes out of my drawer (who knew what sort of crazy outfit I was putting together?!) my mind churned over all the reasons I could give for just not showing up.  People would understand, I told myself.  Everyone gets sick. What if I throw up in class?  It's better that I just don't go...

What got me out the door was the small voice (of reason) in the back of my head that reminded me how much I love what I do.  What a gift it is to be able to share something I love so much.  How my role as teacher isn't about me, or how I feel, or what I think.  It is about showing up and being present for my students.  In tantric teachings we learn that the body is our vehicle to enlightenment.  That through our physical experience we are given the gift of understanding suffering on a visceral level.  By opening ourselves up to that experience we gain a deeper understanding of joy.

So my choice this morning was to be present with my experience. 

As I rode my bike through the early morning light I took deep breaths of the cool, fresh morning air.
I enjoyed the empty streets and the silence of the city, broken only by the occassional car or fellow cyclist, and the ecstatic singing of hundred of birds welcoming the sun. 
With my head pounding and my stomach churning, I hummed mantra.

When I arrived at the studio, I was given the opportunity to accept the compassion of others ~ my 2 students were agreeable to ending practise early and wished me well, sending me home with "drink lots of liquids" and "go back to bed"

Which I did.

I woke up at noon and was thankful that I had started my day with yoga.